Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Merry New Year

In a matter of hours another year will be upon us. It’s startling how fast they go by, or is it just my oddball senses of perception?

In retrospect, I am extremely grateful for the election of Barack Obama, as another four years of Republican rule would have no doubt continued turning the nation right, likely under the watch of President Sarah Palin (shudder) because while I wish him the best, I still have deep reservations about John McCain’s health.

Yet then again, with his track record of having more heart attacks that the average Chicagoan, who’d a thunk Dick Cheney would still be alive after his two terms?

I guess Satan really does keep his word sometimes.

Otherwise, I’m content to leave 2008 behind and hope that ’09 is better – especially with the economy currently orbiting the Ninth Circle of Hell.

Finally, will be spending part of New Year’s Day at Mark’s tomorrow watching the Winter Classic outdoor game between the Hawks and Red Wings.

Here’s hoping the outcome is better than the 4-0 whoopin’ the boys took in Detroit last night. And on the heels of a nine-game win streak, no less; for some reason, the Hawks looked positively lost on the ice.

Friday, December 26, 2008


Found a link to the following project on MySpace tonight; it’s to the page of a burlesque model code named Dayna Delux who besides being an aficionado of the late great Bettie Page features photo recreations by Mehosh Studios on her site of classic pin-ups by Gil Elvgren.

Monday, December 22, 2008


Although I am often uncomfortable with the ease with which some toss about the word “genius” to describe some people, I feel it is an apt way to describe musician/composer Jann Tiersen.

For example, check out the following versions (both by Tiersen) of his “La Valse d'Amelie,” one in orchestral form and the other as a spacey hard rock tune. It’s the same song done from wildly different directions, yet each end product feels completely unique, and nothing short of amazing.

Holy Apples & Oranges

To quote Stephanie Miller on the following papal quote: “And thanks for playing 'Really Bad Analogies!'”

Hat tip: Pandagon.

Word To The Wise

Just an FYI in case you were planning on enjoying dairy in Gotham.


I’m ashamed to say that the following photo was taken in a shoplifting incident this past weekend at a local Walgreen’s in which I was caught stealing three bottles of saw palmetto extract, a lead-filled Chinese teddy bear, and a discount bottle of skin cream.

The photo was taken by store security as a record for the police, and to add to Walgreen’s store security network to prevent me from entering any other store.

The local police were then called, and I posted $100 bond pending a court date to be scheduled this March.

I deeply regret my actions, and apologize for any embarrassment this incident may have caused my family.

Actually, none of the sordid tale of crime above is true. The shot in question was, in fact, taken in a Walgreen’s by a store employee last weekend, but the paper I’m holding is a code number I needed to retrieve my MySpace password (which I accidently deleted) and confirm my identity with the website's admin crew. Pretty silly, I admit. But I thought using the made-up crime story with the pic would sound so much more nefarious
than the truth.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Circle Jerk

Why am I not surprised by the news that following the departure of Alan Colmes from “Hannity & Colmes” that Fox shall not replace him with another liberal counterpart to Sean Hannity, and simply rechristen the show “Hannity” – which means that Sean is going to remind his viewers every evening (as he does each Sunday on his laughable “Hannity’s America” show) the true meaning of the word “masturbatory.”

And in case you were wondering, here it is:

Pronunciation: \ˈmas-tər-bə-ˌtȯr-ē\
Function: adjective
Date: 1864

1 : excessively self-absorbed or self-indulgent masturbatory books…about themselves for people to read…with envy (see also: Dick Morris, prostitute toe-suckers, political whores, et al.)

Another POV

That Barack Obama will be America's next president in 30 days has probably fully sunken in by now, and most of us are very pleased about it.

However, check out a clip from an election night party in Paris which I consider to be as much driven by glee over Obama's win as a complete rejection of George W. Bush and his neo-con cronies.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Storming The Gates

Why does this story evoke a mental image of a pack of devout Puritans marching up the steps of the California Supreme Court, armed with Bibles in one hand and torches and/or pitchforks in the other?

Plus, that none other than Ken Starr is leading the legal charge to nullify all gay marriage in CA makes me sicker to boot. Why do I get the feeling that he is the reincarnation of Judge Hathorne, or a 15th century Spanish inquisitor?

For the record, my own take on gay marriage in any state is strictly libertarian – that is to say, I don’t care if two men or women are legally wed. It’s none of my business, and has zero impact on my life nor that of American society on every practical level.

Further, what’s the difference if two unmarried same-sex persons live together (which few seem to have an issue with) today, and then live under the same roof tomorrow under a recognized legal marriage?

What has changed other than a social classification?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bathtime Fun

Click here for a small website dedicated to people who enjoy making homemade submarines, including one guy who created a working sub based on the designs for the Nautilus built for the Walt Disney film version of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea (1954).

Dear Santa: I want this now. Regards, CHV

Bad Spirits

Today in Springfield (IL), an attorney for soon-to-be ex and imprisoned state governor Rod Blagojevich asked a state House panel to cover his client’s legal bills in mounting his defense versus impeachment.

Let me say that again: Blagojevich wants Illinois taxpayers to fund his defense for committing fraud against the same.

Jesus, that’s so mind blowingly…what? Arrogant? Stupid? Narcissistic? Delusional?

There are so many adjectives to describe the governor’s current mindset, and none of them fall within the scope of sanity.

Maybe he’s possessed.

But what’s even more baffling is that Blagojevich apparently still has no plans to resign, and is happy to put himself (and the state) through the ordeal of an impeachment – something for which Blago should have an extra 10-12 years in stir added to his inevitable jail sentence just on pure principle.

Otherwise, on a semi-related note (the connection being mental derangement) it dawned on me earlier today that Ann Coulter is a banshee.

A real one.

Think about it: she’s deathly thin, has sunken eyes, long flaxen hair, a repulsive personality, and is known for emitting an incredibly irritating sound whenever she opens her yap.

Am I right or no?

Time for an exorcism.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


After watching Hall & Oates’ tribute to the departing Alan Colmes on The Daily Show last week, I ran across the above H&C clip taped after last fall’s VP debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.

Not only is Sean Hannity’s take on Palin’s political aura beyond dense—considering she and John McCain would be destroyed in the general election--Fox News contributor, and noted prostitute toe-sucker Dick Morris embarrasses himself even more by comparing Palin to (surprise) Ronald Reagan, being utterly wrong about her political acumen, and treating Alan Colmes like crap (as if that were new).

No matter, though.

Now that Sarah Palin is back home, Morris will have ample opportunity over the next four years to pathologically obsess about Hillary Clinton, and continue to wildly misjudge the nation’s political winds.

Stay classy, Dick.

A Very Brief Review: "The Day The Earth Stood Still" (2008)

Although this remake of the original "Day" (circa 1951) is not uninteresting--switching from global concerns over the Cold War to environmental issues--there just isn't much to see here. Keanu Reeves does a decent job as Klatuu, the alien come to Earth to warn its inhabitants about their pending self-destruction, and Jennifer Connelly (as an astrobiologist) is fine as well.

However, if there's any part of this "Day" I could do without its Jaden Smith (son of Will) as Ms. Connelly's irritating stepson. The kid also can't emote his way out of a paper bag.

Otherwise, "Day" isn't a bad movie, just a fairly unremarkable one.

PS: A trailer for "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" runs before "Day" in most theatres. I'm hoping the actual movie (due May 2009) will be much better than the snippets I saw, including Taylor Kitsch as Gambit.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Lucky Star

More than once, both I (and others) have half-joked about my similarity to the X-Men character Longshot – chiefly, as I’ve noted on this blog before, for my often uncanny ability to find new jobs and parking spots in a pinch.

Pretty pathetic, huh? A innate sense of lucky timing that only works in two situations, but apparently no others? Yet it's true.

However, in light of the recession devouring more jobs across the board than a black hole in 2008, and promising to eat more in early '09, I want to send up a prayer of thanks that I am among those lucky enough to still have a job that is relatively firm.

If you want to call that random fortune or mutant luck, it’s fine with me. I’m just glad that it seems to be on my side, even (and especially) in the most pressing of circumstances.

PS: For the record, no, I do not have a mullet nor dress in skin-tight leather pants.

Thinking about fate too much gives me a headache.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Tammany Hall Redux

Generally, I pay little attention to state or local politics – but today’s arrest of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (D) on Federal corruption charges (including auctioning off Barack Obama’s former Senate seat, and threatening to withhold $8M in state funds from Children’s Memorial Hospital unless its president coughed up a $50K campaign contribution) is beyond the pale.

One can only hope that Blagojevich resigns immediately, but considering his galactic level of arrogance, I doubt that’s coming. Even so, he easily stands to become Illinois' second consecutive chief exec (former GOP Gov. George Ryan being the first) to be sent up the river.

Maybe the state’s next guv will make it a three-peat.

Sunday, December 7, 2008



Although the Salvation Army provides a lot of beneficial services to people at no cost, the way it is acting in this case reminds me of a brainless pack of cultists.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Power Cosmic

For those perhaps wondering what those two unusually bright points of light have been in the southern sky lately (the ones by the moon), they are Venus and Jupiter on a close pass by Earth.

Shiny. So, so shiny.

PS: If a Starchild decides to stop by our planet for a visit I am so kicking its ass. That doll-eyed little bastard creeps the hell out of me.

In fact, the only way I could possibly find him more disturbing would be if he dressed up as a little clown, snuck into my room at 2AM during a thunderstorm, and hovered inches over my face with a paring knife....

Oh, great....

Well done, dark-recesses-of-my-imagination. I'll never get to sleep tonight with that fucking image in my head.

Damn you, Arthur C. Clarke. Damn you to hell.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Inking In The New Year

Last year on New Year's Eve, I got a tattoo to mark the occasion. It wasn't something done on impulse; I had a design picked out for some time. It just seemed like the last day of 2007 was a good time to do it. So this year, I'm repeating history – not that you asked, but I figured I'd share all the same.

I'm getting a tat of a bat (hey, I rhymed) on the back of my left bicep; the original illustration is by Dave McKean from the hardcover of "Arkham Asylum" and will be all-black. I may get another tattoo in the spring or summer, probably my last because I've resolved to only get one arm inked, and leave the other alone.

As of now, the leading final candidate design is Jack Kirby-esque, of a Hopalong Cassidy-style cowboy astride a scarlet tyrannosaurus.

It's an interesting concept, I think, considering I'm not really a fan of Kirby's. I think his imagination was terrific, but feel Kirby's art style is an acquired taste. However, there's something about his "Devil Dinosaur" which is goofy and charming – the adventures of a perpetually cranky, red t-rex and his sub-human pal, Moonboy, who naturally speaks English despite living 200 million years before the language was invented.

That's called "suspension of disbelief," kids. Go with it.

I think PBS should sack Gillian Anderson as host of "Masterpiece Theatre" and replace her with Moonboy. I'd kill to hear his sublime introduction to the 736th episode of "Upstairs, Downstairs" in which Devil makes a guest appearance as Lord Stanley Redbottom, the fifteenth Earl of Kent.


Lord Redbottom’s appearance in this episode (titled "The War Comes Home") does not go well, when at high tea, his stubby hands spill orange Darjeeling on his new cummerbund – prompting his lordship to fly into a rage, destroying the main parlor (shown below), and upsetting a plate of gooseberry scones.

Then, when told by a lowly servant that the house has no club soda with which to treat his newly stained garment, Lord Redbottom responds thusly to such insolence...

...before resuming his tirade by "bonking" a priceless, 17th century harpsichord to bits.

Following this last, ungentlemanly outburst, Lady Bellamy has had quite enough - bidding his lordship to depart 165 Eaton Place at once, adding that she may be forced to reconsider his standing invitation to Sunday breakfast. For his part, after bidding his hostess goodbye and making a mild restitution, Redbottom makes his way to a corner pub, and proceeds to get pissed drunk.

Curiously, this was Devil Dinosaur's only appearance in "Upstairs, Downstairs" although he remains a fan favorite at BBC conventions.


Naked Tuesdays

Now that “The Shield” has wrapped, how shall I find my Tuesday night quota of crooked cop mayhem? I feel so naked and vulnerable.

Oh well, at least new episodes of “Nip/Tuck,” “24,” “Lost” and “Galactica” are due after the first of the year.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

This One's For Me

Here's another slice (my favorite) from the 2003 flick "Coffee and Cigarettes" - the same source as the one below for "Jack Shows Meg His Tesla Coil."

This short (ten minutes long) sports Tom Waits and Iggy Pop exploring such topics as roadside surgery and Taco Bell.

Very White Meat

That sweet purveyor of US history Rush Limbaugh (AKA: the Drug-Addled Gasbag, or simply “DAG”) saw fit yesterday to bestow upon his listeners the true story of the first Thanksgiving in (reportedly) the year 1620 in Plymouth, Mass.

Click here to read it yourself, but the short version is that “true” Americans are white, Puritan/Protestant, have a healthy stock portfolio, and a hatred of all things FDR.

Rush, you elitist, pill-popping, white supremacist motherfucker, may you and yours have a delightful Thanksgiving on this day.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The End

If I have ever had a real complaint about “The Shield” during its staggered, six-year run it’s that despite pulling every conceivable scam and crime (including torture and murdering a cop) during his usually successful attempts to do his job that karma never caught up with LAPD Detective Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis).

However, judging from rumors about this evening’s series finale—which Chicago Tribune TV critic Maureen Ryan called the best she’s ever seen—that karmic avalanche has finally arrived, and it’s going to collect more than a few bodies.

Follow up comments to come later.

But here's an advance bit of speculation: I read on Maureen Ryan's column today advice for viewers to keep watching after tonight's final credits roll. I'm wondering if the implied extra scene won't involve a cameo by Forrest Whittaker as Captain Ahab-like I.A. investigator Jon Kavanaugh, who nearly went nuts (and ended up in jail) trying to bring Mackey down.

Am I smelling irony, or no?

PS (10:56PM; CST): Well, that was pretty much a perfect ending. Very powerful and understated all at the same time. Vic lost everything, and is trapped in a place worse than prison because it has removed what he thrives on most: control.

However, I think the most telling detail about that final scene was the look of determination on Vic's face after he removed his sidearm from the lockbox, and left the office. My guess is that he was going to find his family.

As for the final fate of the Vendrell family, I found it pathetic that Shane (well-played, as always, by actor Walt Goggins) blamed all his problems on Vic when I never once saw the latter putting a gun to Shane's head to do anything - such as, drop a grenade in Lem's lap and run. Plus, Shane claiming that his wife was "innocent" in their whole ordeal was as much a crock considering that Mara helped orchestrate an armed robbery, shot a woman in the back, and conspired to help Shane kill Ronnie and Vic (after they had tried to grease Shane).

I guess the whole point here is that in a drama like "The Shield," innocence does not exist in any form.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

The One

That would be Kari Byron.

One only need look at the following pic to see how perfect she is for me—setting aside the fact that she’s married: she’s cute as hell, artistic, a girl geek, but best of all, look at Kari’s ferocity in going after those balloons (sporting Wolverine claws, no less). Ten bucks says it’s because they remind Kari of clowns (my age-old nemesis), and that fury inspires her to shred them with glee.

God, I love this woman.

Monday, November 17, 2008


For well over a year, I have balked on purchasing an X-Box 360 (even though it is backwards-compatible with my old X-Box games) until the price dropped to an acceptable level.

But today, even though the 360 has declined to $199—and services like Gamefly are big money-savers—I have still resisted getting a system because I also know what huge time-suckers they are.

However, now that this game has come out, my resolve may finally be at an end.

Farewell, outside world.

I want to see Rage Cat whomp the hell out of Granny Goodness.
That old bag creeps me out. However, if G.G. is unavailable, and he can spare 0.43 seconds (which is all Rage Kitty needs to put someone in
traction) Joe Quesada would be my second choice for a fantasy beatdown.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Priority Check

Over on Andrew Sullivan’s website, several posts appear sent in from folks around the country about how they publicly support the issue of gay marriage. One that caught my attention was from Chicago, and shares a pic of a (straight) wedding party that spilled into the street to join the protest after their own nuptials had been sealed.

Not that anyone asked, but my own take on gay marriage is strictly libertarian.

I don’t see a difference between two men or women co-habitating in an adult relationship be they officially wed or not. Plus, the chief reason why gay marriage has not already been more widespread is due to some feeling uncomfortable about it – much the same as some felt “uncomfortable” about bi-racial marriages not long ago.

Therefore, from my take, what total strangers feel about two men or women being formally wed is irrelevant. If such parties don’t want to attend the wedding in question, they don’t have to.

As such, I fail to see what the whole “controversy” surrounding gay marriage is – especially when we as a nation have far bigger fish to fry these days, like the economy going into a tailspin, and thousands of jobs evaporating daily.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Senator McCain & The Onion Belt

I know the election is over. I just can't resist anyway.

A Very Brief Review: "Quantum of Solace"

Although it suffers from too many explosions and chase sequences, “Quantum of Solace” is another welcome, new-generation Bond film that dispenses with all of the franchise’s old formula clichés (e.g. super-gadgets, bad guys bent on world domination, pithy comebacks, Bond ending each film by screwing his chick-de-jour).

Long live Daniel Craig.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Hello Kitty

Some were perturbed at the thought of a murderous, blood-belching cat armed with a Red Lantern’s ring, but you know what I say to such folk?

Get with the program.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Ann Coulter School of Conservative Humor

Has just found its latest valedictorian: Michael Barone.

Next Tuesday’s Lecture: “Holocaust and Child Rape Jokes: Two Great Gags That Taste Great Together”

Holy Straightjacket

It was bound to happen.

After the election of Barack Obama, Christian fundamentalists (AKA: “Fundies”) are going mad with panic, certain that the new president’s chief goals will include taking away everyone’s guns (or worse, curbing sales of assault weapons – because, y’know, one can never have too many AK-47s), expanding Federal funds for stem cell research, and revoking the “gag order” placed by Bush on some doctors restricting them from discussing abortion with patients.

But the good news for these fundies is that—as Obama’s election is surely a red flag for Armageddon—all of the above are indicators that God will soon rain His cranky wrath (in no small part for denying His best gal, Sarah Palin, her rightful throne in DC) on Earth, and usher the damned (e.g. Obama, and anyone who voted for him) into a lake of fire, and the saved (e.g. conservative Republicans) to heaven’s guest lounge to await the buffet of a million lifetimes (with free refills on coffee and cranberry juice).

So for God’s chosen folk, relax. You’re savvy.

But for the rest of us unholy scalawags, whoa boy – we is indeed fucked, because Hell has its own buffet hall, and the only thing on the menu is week-old cole slaw.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Benny Lucas & Moses Walk Into A Bar

Y’know what I just love about head colds?

It’s that while at their peak they make those suffering from them (like me, at the moment) feel like their skulls are buried in mud – making simple things like breathing, and listening to human speech a veritable chore.

However, I think 2/3s of said mucous evacuated my head—awful image, I know—when I saw the following piece via DFTCW and Wonkette today featuring (no joke) a group of Christians praying around a golden bull statue on Wall Street this past week for an economic rebound.

To wit, one of the participants explained the reason for their holy hoe-down:

“We are going to intercede at the site of the statue of the bull on Wall Street to ask God to begin a shift from the bull and bear markets to what we feel will be the ‘Lion’s Market,’ or God’s control over the economic systems.”

Hello! So-called experts on scripture! Do the terms “idolatry” or “craven images” ring a bell?

Aw man, Moses is so gonna kick your asses.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Dance Break!


Poor Jill Stanek.

How unfortunate it is that most Americans do not share her 18th century, religious police-state view of women’s reproductive rights.

But even worse, Jill is just flummoxed that Barack “Infanticide” Obama won the presidential election this week, and that two rigid, pro-life state propositions she had backed were also defeated, one in Colorado (Prop 4) that would have deemed personhood at conception, and another in South Dakota (Prop 11) that would have barred most all abortions.

Poor Jill Stanek.

To be serious for a moment, I do not support abortion on demand (as a form of birth control) in the third trimester. I believe such incidents should not be legal, but must contain standard exceptions for a woman’s life and health, plus those for rape or incest.

Abortion in the first trimester, again IMO, should be freely available – which leaves second trimester cases, and in these situations, I’m not sure where I stand.

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, poor Jill Stanek.

I’ll pray for her tonight after I donate $100 on-line to Planned Parenthood.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

World Tour

Watching Obama’s victory rally in Chicago last night, it was amazing how so many places around the world were celebrating alongside us. Shots of pro-Obama partying in Times Square, Cuba, Kenya, Indonesia, Canada, France, South Africa, India, Greece, Senegal, Denmark, the UK and other sites gave the whole evening a New Years Eve-like feel of global renewal.

However, the celebratory shot I found most telling was of people dancing outside the White House – as they were not only marking the birth of an Obama administration, but also the end of George W. Bush’s in a few weeks.

Bush simply has no idea what an overall disaster he’s been as president, does he?

30 Reasons Why McCain Lost

  1. All summer, McCain kept insisting that "The fundamentals of the economy are strong." Then in September, Wall Street fell apart.
  2. Eight years of Bush and Cheney.
  3. McCain was badly overmanaged by his advisors, something that hurt Al Gore in 2000.
  4. Conservative moderates and independents were turned off by McCain's choice to take a classic, hard-right tone.
  5. Erratic debate performances.
  6. Horrid speechwriters.
  7. McCain's "campaign suspension" during the Wall Street meltdown came off as an awkward PR stunt, and contrasted with Obama's cooler response.
  8. He badly underestimated Obama's ground game.
  9. Carly Fiorino and Phil Gramm.
  10. McCain's Jekyll & Hyde temperament.
  11. Iraq War fatigue.
  12. McCain's mad dog-like posturing after the Russian invasion of Georgia.
  13. Two words: "My friends."
  14. Voters ignored McCain's negative ads (and those of 527 groups) on Obama's old associations.
  15. The long primary fight between Obama and Hillary Clinton denied McCain a single target his campaign could build a case against.
  16. Propping up the media as a straw man never clicked outside his base.
  17. The autumn plunge in oil prices negated his "Drill, baby. Drill" argument.
  18. Formerly reliable social conservative wedge issues like gay marriage were overshadowed by the economy.
  19. McCain hired the same political hitmen (e.g. Tucker Eskew) that Bush used to slime him in 2000. The result made McCain look like someone who was willing to compromise his own dignity to win.
  20. Bloggers posting video of ugly behavior at McCain rallies (e.g. Crazy McCain Lady, racism) did not cast the campaign in a good light.
  21. McCain's fundraising never took off.
  22. McCain often wasted time stumping in states he either had locked up (Tennessee), or didn't have a chance to win (Iowa, California).
  23. Using blue-collar workers as populist superheroes (e.g. Tito The Laborer, Joe The Plumber) soon became a public joke, especially when Joe Werzelbacher—who wasn't even a licensed plumber—began fielding questions at McCain events about US-Israeli policy.
  24. The government's $700B bank bailout undermined McCain's "Obama is a Socialist" argument.
  25. Though understandable, the physical toll of the campaign on McCain became visible down the stretch.
  26. McCain took strategic advice from Sean Hannity.
  27. Voter concerns about McCain's age and health.
  28. When Team McCain had to put on a unified face in its final weeks, it suffered from internal squabbling.
  29. McCain co-managers Steve Schmidt and Rick Davis never shifted beyond the Rovian model of stoking the base, which does not work in elections that are not extremely tight (a la Gore, Kerry).
  30. Finally, McCain picked Sarah Palin as his VP, who was completely unprepared for the national stage.

Post-Game Show

Beside the Apollo 11 moon landing and 9-11, Barack Obama's election as president last night was among the most historic events to occur in my lifetime (thus far).

Just watching the energy of his win boil across Grant Park--then the country, and the world—was incredible. Obama's critics can downplay his appeal as much as they want; he is no Messiah, he is a leader.

For his part, John McCain—whacked in the electoral college—was a gracious runner-up. Despite the many flaws of his campaign, none can dismiss McCain's service to this country.

As for Caribou Barbie, after coming off as so cocky in the RNC convention, it was a pleasure seeing her served a two-ton dollop of humility.

How's it feel to get pwned by a community organizer, guv?

Otherwise, here a few more follow-ups:

Joe The Plumber - Your 15 minutes expired three weeks ago. Go home and get a fucking job.

Joe Biden – Enjoy your new digs at the Naval Observatory. However, I think it would be best for everyone if you kept quiet for the next four years.

The Obama Kids – Have fun, and consider adopting your new White House dog from a local area shelter.

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney – Get the fuck out now. You needn't wait until January 20th. Just go. We'll mail you your stuff. As is, Obama's going to have to kill 25 chickens in the Oval Office to rid the place of your bad mojo.

Barney and Beasley Bush – You can stick around.

Joe Lieberman – How's it feel to be fresh out of friends?

Sean Hannity – I'll give it to you, Slanthead. Your constant attempts to tar Obama with lame associations from Bill Ayres to his third-grade commie math teacher were tireless, and all for naught. But don't worry – they'll be more than enough crap that you and Mark Levin can still hurl at Obama from your foxhole in future days.

Rush Limbaugh – Having listened to you off and on during the final weeks of the election, I must say your attacks on Obama—and water-toting for McCain and Palin--were extremely weak. All those drugs you popped must have addled your brain worse than we thought.

Jerome Corsi – You are a sad, pathetic, 300-pound man.

Sen. Libby "Godless Americans" Dole (R-NC) – I am delighted that you lost. Your last-ditch tactics against Kay Hagen were revolting.

Utah-based opponents of California's Proposition 8 (Barring Gay Marriage) – Congratulations. Let homophobia ring.

The Voters of Alaska (Re: The Re-Election of Newly-Minted Felon
Ted Stevens) – What the hell is wrong with you people? Seriously.

Jim Oberweis – Gee, you just can't buy an election can you?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Hello History


It's Over

The cable news networks may be too hesitant to do it right now, but I will: Obama has won the presidential election.

As of this moment, he’s at 200 electoral votes including big wins in PA and OH. That means all Obama need do now is take CA, OR, WA, and HI (all states polling heavily in his favor) to eclipse the 270 mark to win.

Now the only question is if will Obama also take NC, CO, and FL (with VA being surprisingly tight) to reclassify his campaign from victory to blowout.

But you can book it: Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Final Map 2008

Okay, here’s my final projection for what the Electoral College map will look like on late Tuesday night, early Wednesday morning.

Although Obama is narrowly up in Florida, I think that McCain is going to squeak out a win there. If not, he’s cooked. Otherwise, barring a massive swell in McCain’s support with undecided voters, I have a difficult time seeing how he can possibly counter Obama’s presence in red states like VA and CO.

Thus, I’m giving Obama a 311-227 win.

A Very Brief Review: "Changeling"

Although not quite perfect, Clint Eastwood’s “Changeling” is among the best true crime stories I have seen put to film – and considering the film clocks in at 2:20, that’s no small feat.

Written by JMS, “Changeling” stars Angelina Jolie who is very good as Christine Collins, a single mother circa 1928 Los Angeles whose young son, Walter, suddenly goes missing. Naturally, Mrs. Collins’ first impulse is to call the police, who inform her they do not respond to missing persons cases until 24 hours have elapsed.

However, when Walter still hasn’t shown up the next day, the LAPD takes Mrs. Collins’ statement in a way that is less than respectful. Three months later, the cops then contact Mrs. Collins at her place of business, and inform her that her son has been recovered in Illinois, and is returning home by train. But when Mrs. Collins goes to meet who she expects is Walter, another boy has been put in his place.

Initially, Mrs. Collins claims the boy is not her son, but faced with reams of bad press over police corruption in LA—spearheaded by a media-savvy local minister played by John Malkovich—the cops insist no mistake has been made, and that Mrs. Collins is obviously suffering from the shock of losing her son for three months.

The rest of “Changeling” plays off of this set-up, and develops from an odd mystery to a very gritty crime tale that has somewhat of an uplifting conclusion, but only somewhat.

In all, I enjoyed the film much better than I expected I would. It is also perhaps the best picture that Clint Eastwood has ever directed.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Going Rogue: An Election Short

Happy Birthday, Satan!

In the Halloween spirit—I won’t be home tomorrow night; I’ll be in Chicago at the Hawks game—I wanted to pass along the following Tribune piece by Christopher Borelli about war stories from haunted house employees who deal annually with losers (often drunk, often high-school age) who become belligerent, sometimes to the point of throwing a punch.

The article reminded me of a gig my brother had years ago for a local, higher-budget haunted house where he played a rat-like creature in a full latex mask (which I understand was difficult to breathe in), and often dealt with teenage guys who would hassle him, and sometimes slap his face and bolt from the room like real men.

My God, there are so many people on Earth who need a good beating.

As for me, during my brief stint as a student at NIU (circa 1989-90), I was talked one October into working a very low-budget haunted house set up in a dorm basement, and had a mixed experience.

The first night, when I was told to stay in a wide-open room—where it was impossible to sneak up on anyone—it was total boredom. The second (and final) night, however, I moved into another, darkened room where an ad-hock maze was built out of scrap wood and cardboard.

At first, I enjoyed jumping out and scaring kids, but soon found I could crawl and roll under the maze’s cardboard walls allowing me to grab a chick’s leg and quickly disappear.

I was also hit on relentlessly by a cute girl (who called me “pooky”) working the same room, but then oddly never saw her again.

Good times, I say. Good times.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


A popular myth peddled by the far-right is that if every American man, woman, and child packed heat that the nation would be a blissful, crime-free utopia.

In this same vein, never let it be said that fear, guns, and quick cash aren’t powerful ways to soothe one’s anxieties following a triple-murder.

Also, it’s interesting that if you Google the manufacturers of this fine product that the header includes the following images (click on them to embiggen) of classic, arch-conservative ideals: well-scrubbed white folks, a shotgun, a pretty homestead in a gated community, and a flag.

Yup, nothing sez “God Bless America” and “Keep The Darkies Under The Bridge” more than that.