Holy Straightjacket

It was bound to happen.

After the election of Barack Obama, Christian fundamentalists (AKA: “Fundies”) are going mad with panic, certain that the new president’s chief goals will include taking away everyone’s guns (or worse, curbing sales of assault weapons – because, y’know, one can never have too many AK-47s), expanding Federal funds for stem cell research, and revoking the “gag order” placed by Bush on some doctors restricting them from discussing abortion with patients.

But the good news for these fundies is that—as Obama’s election is surely a red flag for Armageddon—all of the above are indicators that God will soon rain His cranky wrath (in no small part for denying His best gal, Sarah Palin, her rightful throne in DC) on Earth, and usher the damned (e.g. Obama, and anyone who voted for him) into a lake of fire, and the saved (e.g. conservative Republicans) to heaven’s guest lounge to await the buffet of a million lifetimes (with free refills on coffee and cranberry juice).

So for God’s chosen folk, relax. You’re savvy.

But for the rest of us unholy scalawags, whoa boy – we is indeed fucked, because Hell has its own buffet hall, and the only thing on the menu is week-old cole slaw.