Baby Blues

Does it occur to anyone else as odd that thus far the only public photo released of Dick Cheney’s newest grandchild (a boy named Sam) includes only himself, wife Lynne, and the baby?

Where the hell are the kid’s folks? Oh, yeah. I forgot. They’re gay.

So...I guess that means they’re not real parents, and must be hidden from the media, right? I mean, Karl Rove and James Dobson would agree. Don’t want to offend that “traditional values” conservative base by a little tyke with gay caregivers, especially not on the cusp of an election year.

Smooth. Definitely smooth.

Praiseland Lives

Over on Dispatches From the Culture Wars, Ed Brayton posted an article on the newly opened Creation Museum (outside Cincinnati) and its position that the universe is astonishingly younger than science ever could have imagined.

On this point, I really don’t care, considering this theory is brought to us by the same folks who posit that carnivores did not exist on Earth until Adam and Eve were booted from Eden (among other ideas). However, when I ambled over to the museum’s website I was struck how little detail it included on its exhibits.

In fact, most links on the site only relay users to the museum’s bookstore, loaded with all manner of young (read as “flat”) earth books and other media.

I was, however, able to dig up the following on part of the museum’s interior.

I quote Homer Simpson: "Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If that's all there is, then let's keep dancing!"

The Most Dangerous Person on Earth

Proving once again that a self-righteous crank with too much time on one’s hands is indeed a dangerous cocktail, concerned parent Laura Mallory's personal crusade to ban Harry Potter texts from the Gwinnett County, GA, school district was rebuffed this week after a judge deemed them acceptable for young readers.

Thank Christ we have people like Ms. Mallory fighting to protect our children from the Satanic evils of literacy.

Now only if we can get rid of those godless beatniks and Atari 2600s.

"Won't someone please think of the children?"

How Do You Spell “F-R-I-V-O-L-O-U-S”?

It’s interesting how united the blogosphere is this week in its disgust toward Dean Hancock--father of late St Louis Cardinals pitcher, Josh, who recently died in an auto accident with a blood alcohol level at twice the legal limit—and his lawsuit filed against the restaurant who served his son on the night of his death, the tow truck driver he plowed into while on a cell phone, and a litany of other parties.

I was going to add to the mayhem with a few comments of my own (the short version: Dean Hancock’s lawsuit is a joke, his son killed himself through his own negligence), but the following comments by an AOL Sports blogger (and other posters) seem to frame it up so nicely.

This Is Why I Could Never Be a Cruelty Investigator

Today on CNN, a story was posted regarding an Ohio woman’s outdoor cat coming home this week with an arrow in his neck, put there by someone who apparently felt using a neighborhood pet for target practice would be a kick.

The good news is that the cat received medical attention and is (thus far) fine, thanks in part to a local policeman who offered the cat’s owner a speedy escort to an animal hospital.

But my point in writing this is as much as I despise animal cruelty, I would never have the self-discipline to be an investigator, such as those seen on AP shows like Animal Cops. The reason why is these investigators--no matter how awful a case involving cruelty--must keep their emotions in check, and focus on getting an infirmed animal to help before dealing with the person responsible for its injury.

Although I am not a violent person, were I in such a job, the only reasonable response I could think of when, for example, finding someone responsible for using a cat for archery practice, would be to throw said person down a long flight of stairs.

And then haul them back up to the top, and send them flying down again.

I have read so many circumstances of people doing horrific things to animals, and it baffles me to what sub-human depths some can truly sink. All I can hope for in return is that these people are caught, arrested, and prosecuted to the fullest extent.

Or failing that, tossed down a flight of stairs...sorry, did I already mention that?

Salute to Scumbags

Click here for a delightful story from Sports Illustrated on the issue of NFL quarterback Michael Vick being prosecuted on dog fighting charges in Virginia.

Rushing to Vick’s defense are Washington Redskins players Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels, who advocate that dog fighting (despite being a felony in several states, including VA) is a "prevalent" lifestyle.

Portis then goes onto say: "I don't know if [Vick] was fighting dogs or not, but it's his property; it's his dogs. If that's what he wants to do, do it."

To which Samuels then coyfully adds: "Haven't you seen Animal Planet?"

All I can say to this is, one, dog fighting is cruel, criminal behavior that should be prosecuted to the fullest extent. Period. I don’t give a shit how “prevalent” it is. Secondly, kudos to new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell cracking down on off-the-field criminal acts by NFL players—such as Adam “Pacman” Jones—with heavy suspensions.

If Vick is convicted of dog fighting, perhaps he should be suspended as well. If only Portis and Samuels could also be busted for their idiotic behavior. They know that kids look up to them, but in their comments above, only demonstrate how loathsome they truly are.

Baseball & Swiss

Yesterday, my brother and I embarked on our third annual trip to Miller Park in Milwaukee to take in a Brewers game.

The team they play doesn’t really matter (for the record, however, MIL beat MIN 6-5, avoiding a dreaded sweep). We just like the park’s atmosphere (wide concourses, good layout, plus a stop at Mars Cheese Castle on the way home), in addition to the Brew Crew being our second favorite MLB team.

Each year we also enjoy bitching how team mascot Bernie Brewer’s home run celebration has been sanitized for Miller Park; at the Brewers’ former park, Milwaukee County Stadium, Bernie (clad in leiderhosen) would pop out of a chalet whenever a Brewer player knocked a homer, and happily slide into a giant, frosty (and fake) mug of beer.

These days, however, Bernie only does the slide, and lamely waves a team flag on a platform.

Pretty weak, if you ask me. But I’m a traditionalist.

Bernie: Dancin' in The Suds