Another Personal First

While growing up, I was the only person in my immediate family of four who had not broken a bone or suffered an injury requiring at least one overnight in hospital.

Then at age 19, that streak came to a spectacular end when I shattered the ball of my left shoulder after slipping on a patch of ice. Four days in hospital and eight hours of surgery later to fuse the break with nine screws driven into my upper arm, I was in a load of pain and humbled with the knowledge that my shoulder would never have full mobility again.

Funny how fate seems to work that way - that is, reserving that guy who thought he got away with something a cosmic comeuppance dealt out in spades.

Well, in the world of personal injuries the one I just experienced doesn't come within a light-year of my big shoulder injury.

I was bit by a snake, albeit a non-venomous one, while attempting to clean out my snow corn snake Lola's terrarium and add new bedding. What's odd is that this is hardly the first time I've done so - sure, in the past Lola would get nervous and wrap her roughly 30 inch length around my arm - but in a few minutes would relax while I placed her in a small holding container while I finished my cleaning job.

But this time, when I tried to pick Lola up, she quickly wrapped herself around my right wrist and sunk her little fangs into my ring finger. Immediately, I couldn't help thinking about a recent episode of Dirty Jobs (a personal fave, by the way) when host Mike Rowe was punctured several times by Lake Erie water snakes in Ohio. But those snakes were a helluva lot bigger than mine, which made it no less painful when Lola kept biting me for a full two minutes before realizing she was in no real danger and let go while still wrapped around my wrist.

Good girl.

All is well now, but I can safely check off "Bitten By Snake" off my "Things I've Never Experienced In This Life" list.

All things considered, I guess I'm no Steve Irwin, not that he was never bitten by snakes before.

And Now, A Message From Baby Sgt. Rock...

Want a Size Zero boot up your ass, and a week in stockade?

Just tell him you don't feel like it...

...but seriously, since WWII has been over for 70 years, how long are Sgt Rock and His Howling Commandoes gonna keep battling Hitler? Shouldn't someone tell the boys it's time to stand down? On the other hand, never mind. Watching those grunts dig foxholes in the middle of Berlin's fashion district is just too damn funny.

Little Things That Amuse Me - A New, Ongoing Series

Today’s Episode: Hollywood Decapitations

When considering good, old-fashioned movie entertainment—the kind kids of all ages can enjoy with friends and family—who doesn’t enjoy seeing a head lopped off at the shoulders?

Sure, it’s only pretend. But I defy you to dismiss that guilty little corner of your heart that leapt with excitement during “Highlander,” or the part in “Speed” when Keanu detached Dennis Hopper’s melon from his body with a subway light?

Good times, I say. Good times.

As such, let’s explore what—outside of films on the French Revolution—I believe is the greatest movie decapitation in history…

In “The Omen” (1976), actor David Warner plays a man who tips off Gregory Peck’s character that his little son Damien is the anti-Christ – which, in itself, is enough of a bitch. But even worse for a parent (or so I’m told) is to hear your demon-spawn can only be put down of a clutch of mystical knives. So after a meeting with an old codger who conveniently has these weapons, and hands them over to Peck, in a fit of doubt, he suddenly tosses them away – refusing to believe little Damien is evil.

Stepping up to the plate, Warner then says (in so many words): “Well, if you won’t perforate the little bastard, I will.”

Bad move.

As anyone who has seen “The Omen” (or its sequels) knows, Satan looks out for his boy and enjoys dispatching his enemies via “accidents” – usually foreshadowed by crows or Rottweilers or creepy chanting on the movie’s soundtrack.

Anyhow, let’s see what Beezy has in store for Mr. Warner when he goes to collect the holy switchblades that Gregory Peck tossed into—oh, boy—a construction site. Not the kind of construction site filled with dangerous equipment, I hope.

Let’s find out…

Still #1

Here’s David Warner collecting the knives. Uh oh! That truck (off-camera) loaded with large panes of glass seems to be troubling him. I wonder if the parking brake will mysteriously pop via The Dark Side of The Force, and send it hurtling at our (now red-shirted) hero?

Still #2

I’d call that a big yes.

Wow, that truck sure got there in a hurry. And Mr. Warner sure looks surprised! But to be fair, wouldn’t you be if your noggin’ (repository of all one’s hopes and dreams) just got bowling ball-i-fied by a flying pane of glass?

Still #3

Aw, dammit!

Well, that’s what happens when you toy with evil forces. I once knew this kid who tried to summon Walt Disney with a Ouija board…exact same outcome. They buried him in a hatbox out in the backyard the next day.

Gee, does that bring back memories.

Irony...Now Tastier Than Ever

Rep. Bob Allen cites fear of black men, weather in oral sex arrest

Rep. Bob Allen, a Republican in the Florida House of Representatives, blamed the weather and his fear of black men for offering $20 to perform oral sex on a man in a public park. The man turned out to be an undercover police officer, who promptly arrested Allen.

The Florida Times Union reports: "In his seven years in the Legislature Rep. Bob Allen of Merritt Island has built up a 92 percent approval rating with the Christian Coalition of Florida on issues like abortion, marriage and pornography."

How long do you think it’ll take this guy’s Bible-thumping, Jack Chick-comic reading constituents to write off this incident as a liberal conspiracy cooked up by Daily Kos or Al Franken or Satan?

Yeah, just keep sipping that delirium punch…

Thanks to Brad for the tip-off.

Hey, Bob. The truth will set you free.

Every Day Is Like Sunday

Although one would expect that after attending San Diego Comic Con 2007 last month, I should have had my fill of cons for a while, there’s something to be said for cruising smaller regional events if the opportunity rises.

Take Wizardworld Chicago (WWC) for example – I used to think nothing I’d ever see could eclipse it in terms of vendors (comics, video, books, posters) and combined celebrity and artist line-ups. Then I went to San Diego last year, and realized just what a glorified flea market WWC is by comparison.

Still, there are “Vulture Days” (AKA: Sundays) to be relished at places like WWC – when con-goers like myself enjoy scavenging for sales (especially after 2PM) from vendors who’d rather unload their stock at a discount than haul it back home. These final event days also offer buyers the greatest possible leverage, and open the door to haggling (within reason) on a price or two.

Think about it: what’s the worst that could happen here? A vendor refuses to drop a price, and you go to his competition down the row who will probably work with you.

Either way, as a buyer you win.

Out of the goodness of me own heart, here are some other handy con-going tips for wise consumers:

• Always—and I mean always—ask vendors selling bootleg DVDs to test their product for quality before making any purchase. Most will easily oblige; who wants to earn a reputation for screwing their customers? However, if a video vendor does refuse a test screen, then refuse to buy. Believe me, nothing sucks more than buying what you think is a great underground DVD only to find it unplayable upon returning home.

• Bear in mind that almost no shiny object sold at comic cons for a ridiculous price is unavailable elsewhere for less – usually on Ebay.

• Most vendors are nice people. They want to make a sale, not alienate buyers. Yet if any behave like a jerk for any reason, just walk away. No con purchase is worth having to deal with some moron’s Comic Book Guy-like attitude. Let him go home to his mom’s basement surrounded by all the crap he couldn’t unload because he acted like a dick.

Would you buy a near-mint copy of Avengers #198 from this guy?

Just For Laughs

For several years, I have read the film reviews of Ted Baehr, founder of the far-right wing evangelical Movieguide, who is a longtime opponent of all things Harry Potter – believing it to be, well, let’s allow the author of Movieguide’s review of “Order of The Phoenix” sum it up for me:

Even so, as shown by the number of [book] copies sold, HARRY POTTER remains a phenomenon that’s still attracting millions of children. Thus, the movie version of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX is liable to still do great business at the box office. Regrettably, however, this means that even more children will be lured away from God and His Infallible Word, which says that witchcraft is evil and abhorrent. Instead of dreaming about the joys that God gives us through Jesus Christ, they will be dreaming of casting spells…riding brooms, and rebelling against their parents.

My goodness, Flanders, er, I mean, Ted…have you even considered the fact that witchcraft, spells, flying brooms, et al. are as real as the flat earth you dread so deeply within your heart, prompting you to swear off of all trans-Atlantic flights?

And kids rebelling against their parents? How long has this been going on? Oh, yeah…since the beginning of fucking time.

More from Movieguide…

Watching 6- and 7-year-old children walk out of the press screening for the new Harry Potter movie (as well as the people with little witchcraft symbols and S&M dresses)...

Stop the tape! S&M dresses? Did this reviewer see “Order of The Phoenix” or “Order of The Penis”? I can’t help but wonder…

… is always an opportunity to reflect on the malignant corruption of our culture. Aside from the fact that these children are exposed to ugly creatures, fantastic violence and worthless incantations, this movie has dialogue that sounds like it comes out of Stuart Smalley’s Daily Affirmations on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. Namely, when Harry's godfather tells him, “You are not a bad person. Every person has light and darkness in them. You have a choice.” Imagine saying this to [Virginia Tech shooter] Michael Cho after he has had his killing spree. Or, Adolf Hitler.

Contrary to the godfather's idiotic aphorisms, there are bad people, and, without God, you cannot choose the good. But, there is a Name above all names who can solve this problems and banish the darkness. And, that name is Jesus Christ.

Oh, crap. Does Ghandi know this?

Uh, oh! Phallic symbol at twelve o'clock! Shade your eyes, children!

"The Simpsons Movie": A Short Review

After years of false rumors and false starts, I always said I would believe in the existence of a “Simpsons” feature film when I saw it with my own eyes.

Well, phooey on me, because I finally did last week.

And my short response is that “The Simpsons Movie” is well-paced and entertaining, but falls way short of the brilliant comic edge the franchise enjoyed in the early ‘90s, when it seemingly could not possibly be funnier or smarter comedy.

As many know, “The Simpsons” hasn’t enjoyed that high status for a long time.

But to be fair, no creative concept lasts forever; there’s only so much stardust any idea can mine until the supply runs out. And that store for “The Simpsons” ran dry years ago.

Yes, we all finally got the big movie—and glimpsed Bart’s little yellow wang to boot—but it’s finally time to put the show to bed.